We continue our detailed breakdown of an IELTS Essay, next criteria - GRAMMATICAL RANGE/ACCURACY and LEXICAL RESOURCE.
Previous article (Part 1 - Task Achievement): https://yourielts.net/prepare-for-ielts/ielts-writing/detailed-analysis/ielts-writing-task-2-detailed-analysis-1
GRAMMATICAL RANGE/ACCURACY
LEXICAL RESOURCE
One important stage in a child’s growth is certainly (adverb) the development of a conscience, which is linked to the ability to tell right from wrong (the sentence consists of 2 parts and linked with which). This skill comes with time and good parenting (great collocation), and my firm conviction is that (advanced words, author's view showed, much better than ‘I think’) punishment does not have much of a role to play in this (good combination of words). Therefore, I have to disagree almost entirely with (different words here showing author's position + adverb) the given statement.
To some extent the question depends on the age of the child. To punish (The sentence starts with an infinitive) a very young child is both wrong and foolish as an infant (good word which describes age) will not understand what is happening (Present Continuous) or why he or she is being punished (Present Continuous PASSIVE – very good!). Once the age of reason is reached however (beautiful combination with once), a child can be rewarded (modal verb and Passive Voice) for good behavior and discouraged from bad. This kind but firm approach (excellent combination of words) will achieve (Future Simple) more than (Comparative) harsh punishments (excellent combination of words), which might entail (modal verb in order to smooth the point of view) many negative consequences (entail negative consequences – awesome!) unintended (Participle) by the parents.
To help a child learn the difference between right and wrong, teachers and parents should (another modal verb) firstly provide good role modeling (good combination of words) in their own behavior. After that, if sanctions are needed (First conditional with if + passive voice), the punishment should not be of a physical nature, as (synonym of because) that merely (Amazing word) sends the message that it is acceptable for larger people to hit smaller ones — an outcome which may well result in the (advanced word combination) child starting to bully (good word) others. Nor should the punishment be in any way cruel (INVERSION! WOW! easy and natural).
Rather, teachers and parents can use a variety of (we write this instead of many) methods to discipline (good verb!) their young charges (THIS IS SICK! SYNONYM FOR A TEN), such as detention (amazing word), withdrawal of (this one as well) privileges, and time-out. Making the punishment fit (good combination of words) the crime is a useful notion, which would see (Second condtional, addition with which and would) children being made to (excellent word combination with passive) pick up rubbish they have dropped (Present Perfect At last!), clean up graffiti they have drawn (one more time), or apologise to someone they have hurt (and another one!). In these ways, responsibility is developed in (Passive) the child, which leads to (addition with which + result) much better (emphasising comparison with much) future behaviour than does punishment.
WOW. WOW. WOW!!!
THE MOST IMPORTANT THING: Everything comes out naturally; if you read this essay without underscores and comments, you may not even notice some of the points. COMPLEXITY IN A SIMPLE SHELL.
NEXT ARTICLE, PART 3 - COHERENCE/COHESION: https://yourielts.net/prepare-for-ielts/ielts-writing/detailed-analysis/ielts-writing-task-2-detailed-analysis-3