Last criteria - COHERENCE/COHESION
1 - https://yourielts.net/prepare-for-ielts/ielts-writing/detailed-analysis/ielts-writing-task-2-detailed-analysis-1
2 - https://yourielts.net/prepare-for-ielts/ielts-writing/detailed-analysis/ielts-writing-task-2-detailed-analysis-2
One important stage in a child’s growth is certainly the development of a conscience, which (linking one idea to the other with "which") is linked to the ability to tell right from wrong. This skill (we refer to "skill" specified in the previous sentence with the help of "this") comes with time and good parenting, and my firm conviction is that punishment does not have much of a role to play in this. Therefore, (good linking word) I have to disagree almost entirely with the given statement (we refer to the statement specified in the task).
To some extent the question depends on the age of the child. To punish a very young child is both wrong and foolish as (linking word as=because) an infant will not understand what is happening or why he or she is being punished. Once the age of reason is reached however, a child can be rewarded for good behavior and discouraged from bad. This kind but firm approach (we refer to the idea specified in the previous sentence with "this approach") will achieve more than harsh punishments, which (we link ideas and add more details using "which") might entail many negative consequences unintended by the parents.
To help a child learn the difference between right and wrong, teachers and parents should firstly (we sort the ideas and add "firstly") provide good role modeling in their (reference to teachers/parents from the sentence above, so we do not repeat these exact words) own behavior. After that, (we use a linking word – we used "firstly" previously, now we use "after that,…") if sanctions are needed, the punishment should not be of a physical nature, as that (linking word as = because) merely sends the message that it is acceptable for larger people to hit smaller ones (reference to people) — an outcome which (we link ideas and add a result with "which") may well result in the child starting to bully others. Nor should the punishment be in any way cruel.
Rather, teachers and parents can use a variety of methods to discipline their young charges, such as (example) detention, withdrawal of privileges, and (we link ideas using AND – yes, you should use this word and avoid using comma separated examples!!!) time-out. Making the punishment fit the crime is a useful notion, which would see children being made to pick up rubbish they (we link ideas and add a result with "which") have dropped, clean up graffiti they have drawn, or apologise to someone they (we refer to "children" with "they") have hurt. In these ways, responsibility is developed in the child, which leads to much better future behaviour than does punishment.
WOW !!! Did you notice that linking ideas is not just about using linking words once in a while? This also includes words like which, that, they, this, ones, etc. This is exactly what you need to get a high score, instead of using 500 linking words that you memorized and spam them all over your essay. How many linking words are there in this essay? Not many and they are used not so obviously.
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